How to Make Sex Sacred
By James Randall Smith
As we passed another Valentine’s Day, I’m left wondering what is the deeper significance of this tradition? Sure, on the surface Valentine’s Day is about romantic love. And for most people it’s somewhat of a Hallmark holiday, involving cards, candies, chocolates and flowers. And if you’re lucky, maybe a romantic night out – without the kids. But what is at the heart of this sentimental custom? To commemorate a relatively obscure, third century Roman saint? And what, if anything, is relevant to us today, when the divorce rate is nearly 50% and we live in a post Ashley Madison world of Tinder, Bumble and a 12 BILLION dollar porn industry?
I can tell you that over the last 10 years of working with many men and women as a sexual healer, that the state of our romantic relationships (for most people), is in rocky territory. And the whole notion of sexual intimacy can be a landmine of pitfalls and eggshells where one truly fears to tread. It seems to me that’s what’s missing first of all, is an honest dialogue about our state of affairs. Pun intended. We need to open up about what isn’t working, so that we can focus on what can and will work. We need to be honest about our needs and at the same time, be willing to identify what is true for us vs. what is expected of us, or is simply part of our programming. When we approach intimacy as a task or a performance or a desperate grab for love and acceptance, we’re missing the point. And to be honest, there is such a glaring lack of real intimacy education in our school system that it’s no wonder we’re all shooting in the dark. Literally.
So, where do we go from here?
I’d like to suggest we return to basics, that we learn how to connect again, through simple techniques and practices that actually bring real meaning and fulfillment to our lives. We may have to unlearn a few things. And we may have to expand beyond our comfort zone. Scratch that. We WILL have to expand beyond our comfort zone, but in the immortal words of Wayne Gretzky: “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. So, trying something new just might bear fruit that you never knew existed.
Bare (Bear )with me.
What makes sex sacred? What makes anything sacred? In part, it’s how we view it. Yes, this is a quantum physics principle. In part, you make something sacred by bringing that intention to it. Two people could gaze on the same oak tree and while one sees a divine work of creation, the other sees firewood. So the first step is to have the intention to bring more sacredness to your lovemaking. Period.
The second most important element of making sex (or anything for that matter) sacred, is RITUAL. When you put some time into the ritual of lovemaking, you inherently addpower to your intention. This means creating a sacred space for intimacy. Keep it neat and tidy. Set up an altar, with crystals, candles, sacred objects (Buddha statues, Tibetan bowls etc), pictures, incense and some sage or sweetgrass for smudging. Take the time to light candles, play some soft music and bless the space by smudging (consciously wafting the smoke of burning sage throughout the room) and saying a prayer for love, healing, connection and bliss to permeate the space. As you invoke these loving thoughts through ritual, you are setting the stage for your intention to manifest.
Once you do this, half the work is done.
The next step is to become present with each other. This means, consciously letting go of any thoughts, attachments, expectations or anything that will bring you out of the moment. If you have to, have a conversation about your day and just do a “mind dump”, so you can let go of the stress of daily life. Connect heart to heart. Take some deep breaths and look into each other’s eyes until you feel safe and connected in the present moment.
There are many more steps on the path to higher bliss and sacred sex, but it’s not in the scope of this article to cover every single technique. I will leave you with this final tip though…
Let go and trust your instincts. There is an intelligence within us that is far beyond what our mind can perceive. And when we can “get out of our own way” and allow this sexual intelligence to flow through us, we become channels for divine energy. It knows what to do. It knows how to touch. How to lick, suck, fuck and connect in a way that brings the most pleasure to both partners. It’s an act of surrendering our ego and our attachments and expectations, to let our higher self take over. It is in the sanctity of our own higher, sexual intelligence that the act of sex itself becomes sacred. Through our intention, with ritual and the right kind of connection… we can make sex sacred anytime we want. We have the power within us. And it’s waiting for you, not just on Valentine’s Day, but on every day of your life.
And the journey of discovery is half the fun. Good luck!